spring cleaning
spring comes and i'll kill myself twelve times over, once for every month i'll miss.
knot tied after knot tied, nooses made until perfection is reached, until staining it with my last breath would be a damn shame.
the snow melts and the noose lies in my lap. summer comes and there it rests yet. easy seasons, so tempting to put it on, tie it tight. the urge itches under my skin - it always will.
autumn passes by and there's relief - an excuse. beauty fading, no explanation required anymore.
the leaves freeze over as winter settles in like an old lover. ice floes in the river, frost gardens on the windows. layers of white freshly laid hide the imperfections beneath, hide what has lain there — muffles noises with its beauty. beauty at a cost, each breath aching and burning all the while. it's needed, it hurts, it's beautiful. a joke of a venn diagram. the noose is lost beneath the flakes. snow begins to melt, air can be breathed in.
rope, now ruined by the thaw is frayed.
now a useless device.
spring is here, and i'll kill myself twelve times over
again.
knot tied after knot tied - only to be lost under the snow.