happy new years
i do not want to make it through this year. i do not want to wake up, december thirty-first, twenty twenty three and know that i have kept going. i do not want to make it through this year.
let me put it plain and simple - i want to tie a noose around my neck and throw myself off a bridge. i want to slice deep into my thighs and arms and the back of my neck without worrying about how it'll heal because it won't, because by the time i'll be done the world will not exist past red seeping out. i want to tie weights to my legs and arms and lay down in the river.
i do not want to be brave. i do not want to be strong.
i want to be selfish. i want to leave the world behind without any notes, without any explanations or good-bye kisses. i want to close my eyes and know that they will move on. i want to close my eyes and not care when they will.
every milestone that passes, every time i'm told i've made it this far, it feels like they are spitting in my face. taunting me with what i cannot have.
i do not want to make it through this year. i do not want to make it through this month, this week, this day, this hour this second. i do not want to make it through this breath.
i do not want to make it through this year.
happy fucking new years.